So while most of my blog is "up", "positive", "fun", & "light", as I try to be a glass half full kind of girl, I have been wanting to write about something that has been tugging at my heart. Tuesday, October 15th, was pregnancy & infant loss remembrance day. I made it through most of the day without a full on cry breakdown which was good. But I wanted to share my story in hopes that it lets someone else know they are not alone.
June 17, 2011. One of the happiest days of my life. After trying for 8 months, & being extremely frustrated, we went out and bought maybe every pregnancy test that Walgreens carries, and every single one came back positive. I could have only been about 3 weeks along but it was seriously one of the happiest days of my life. You begin to dream about a nursery, a baby, a new life & journey for you & your spouse. In my husband's family there are like a million children and since we had been married for almost 3 years we were constantly getting the "when is this happening?" questions. I was thrilled! Lee warned me on who I should tell and not to get too excited. He didn't want me to be disappointed in case something happened. I told him what could happen? We were going to be parents! I didn't realize how common it is for women to miscarry in those first couple of weeks. I of course told my mom--I couldn't help myself. On June 18th, friends of ours were getting married and we had a wedding to go to with all of our college friends. I held a drink all night but never took a sip. Finally, my BFF corned me in the bathroom and asked what was going on, I had to tell her too.
June 23rd, 2011. I start having a little bleeding while at work. I started to panic a little, called my doctor, she said everything was probably ok but they wanted me to come in for some blood work. And then I would go back on the 24th to see if my hormone levels were going up & if they were then everything was good. I had to tell other BFF because we worked together and I had to leave.
I was a nervous wreck those 2 days. On the 25th, the bleeding was worse. I won't get graphic but it was not pretty. I called the doctor again because no one had called me the day before. She gave me the news I didn't want to hear but knew was happening.
Lee had worked that night and was late coming home. I couldn't reach him on the phone, and was hysterical. He finally came home and I had to tell him. I think he was sad but got over it pretty quickly. I laid in bed for 3 days never sure if I could get up again. It was the single most traumatic event of my life.
After a few days, I went back to work & tried to get back in my routine. For a while I was ok, but we would be out at dinner & I'd see a couple with a baby, and have to leave. I felt like every person who was pregnant or had a baby was like a personal attack on me. I know it sounds crazy but that's how I felt.
I had a pretty big break down about the loss in April 2012. I don't think Lee knew how bad I was hurting because I just kept it all inside. I didn't know who to talk to or what to say. I felt like it was crazy that I was so upset--I had only know for a week, it was just some cells at the point. But it was more about the loss of what could have been. Some days I will randomly think "wow we should have a toddler right now".
It took until this fall, for me to decide that I was ready to try again. Of course now those plans are on hold because Lee is in school. We plan to start trying next summer.
But now I am experiencing a whole new kind of hurt. I now have many friends who have had babies in the last year and half. I am thrilled for them & their families & love being "Auntie Ashley". However, in many of those friends lives, I am not as involved anymore. They aren't social with me as much for whatever reason. I guess mostly because I don't have a kid. I kind of feel like its this club that I can't be part of. Our neighborhood is very clique-ish in this sense. It's been hard to see this friendships change. I suppose once we have kids I will be back in the fold so to speak. I often think, "well if my baby was here, I would be included in these things". But my baby is not. My baby is Heaven, enjoying the Kingdom. I look forward to the day we can start trying again & for now, I will enjoy all the time I have with my husband, our pups, & taking our adventures. But my heart still hurts everyday. There is not one day that does by that I don't think about that little blessing that isn't here. I am mom without a child. Being a mom has literally been the only thing I have ever wanted to be my entire life. I know that day will come but it hurts its not sooner. These thoughts have just been on my mind & wanted to share with all of you.
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